is it only a trip?

Day by day, my emotions had failed me again and again. It's not those emotions that had butterflies and rainbows all over, but those with creepy crawlers and gloomy night. I guess this would have been the greatest test god had ever given me to test on my emotions. I look forward and backward... and whoever she was, isn't there anymore. She is more cunning and selfish now, nothing else matters much in this world except her, she took everything she used to love and care for granted, to her its all just about fulfilling her promises to someone else, she had lost her heart. I've also told her, don't let the world change you, you go out there and change the world, and no matter how the world changes, you blend in, you fit in, you do whatever you want, but never...never ever lose your heart of who you really are.

I guess the temptation she encounter was just too hard to resist, too hard for her to turn her back on. With the short term success and fame and fortune and glory and all those, she turn her back on who she is. I hope she'll find out very soon by herself as I have done everything beyond my power to lead her to the right path, the price? I've turn my back on my own path to do anything in my power to stop her from going off her track. She seem to take "pleasure" from her accomplishment so strongly, but I still saw some good in her, should I continue to save her or should I just leave her where she is and hopefully someday, she will remember what I've said.

She will be coming over in August, but will she still be the person I knew? or will she become more cunning and selfish? Will the environment here change her back? most of all does she really want to come over? I ask her that question, and I was given a straight forward answer, "I promise you before I will come, and I will." It sounded more like just a trip to you, nothing more......

Will this be the end.......? I really do hope I never find out....

Mr Brightside

Having so much thought wondering in my mind lately, starting to doubt that i had the ability to know everything. The person i love the most has evolved into something else....yes...something else not someone else... she drifted so far away from who she was, im afraid....afraid of losing who i once knew and love. She's been meeting out strangers and doing things she never would have done, she been through things she swore she wont never been through, she even lie when she doesnt have to, she's starting to be unfaithful in a sense. she ignore most of what i have to said and said she would take care of herself but fact is, she don't even understand what she is doing, she had indeed overstep the boarder. what is there for me to do? i cant force her into doing something she wouldnt want to, i cant make her think straight any more.

Sometimes, i wish i wouldnt have to know all these. the truth sometimes is just plain ugly, and i guess she plans to hide that ugly side of the truth for as long as she could. There is no other way to get her to say unless i tell her straight to her face, why? you knew you are old enough to understand what i meant, you knew there were lies you wouldnt have said, you knew someone you knew for a week or even month who ask you out alone or vice versa would mean putting yourself in the tip of the iceberg. its not just about crossing the line, its about who you are, i dont even whether what you said to me could be the truth anymore, i dont even know whether those words you tell me, is it really something from your heart or is it something you had to say it for the sake of saying it. furthermore, you had been trying so hard to keep secrets now, i wish i knew what was the reason, and you know the reason is not because i want to stalk on you. if you walk a straight line from point A to point B, it couldnt be anything else other than straight when you walk from back from point B to point A.

another 5 more months, we are going to meet again, but just after 31 days of us being apart, i could see drastic changes which is out of the ordinary. i had forsee this happening, i just wouldnt believe that i was actually correct. i had another vision, of what to be in 5 months.... i really do hope im wrong this time. i really do hope when you come, you come with your heart and soul, not because of your empty promises. that's the last part that i wouldnt want to see as the ones before and the ones coming soon is not pretty as well. i just pray that i have the strenght to witstand this, to keep on standing no matter what.

Betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope.

its pretty obvious that nothing last forever. people used to say that girls instincts are better than guys... but i think otherwise. guys instincts are built through time, its based on not only pure action itself but also in the basis of psychology. they say action speak louder than words, i said its bullshit... a tiger can smile, a snake could tell u it loves you, these are all actions to get close to you. i believe that a single lie destroys a whole reputation for integrity.

Oh, what lies there are in kisses?? everytime we touched, everytime we hugged... i thought it was real, but i guess i was right from the very beginning... there are lies behind all your so-called truth. I thought we made a promise to each other about not lying, no matter how bad the truth is...the naked truth is always better than a well dressed lie. I've ask you a hundred times, each time i had the same answer until i was convinced that you are telling the truth, but i guess wat people say are correct. It is easier to believe a lie that one has heard a thousand times than to believe a fact that no one has heard before. it hurt so bad when i knew that what i thought was right is wrong and now its right again? what had you promised him? why when he ask when could he call you again and you answered next month? you know that's when im going back, you know that i don't mind your friends calling you... remember that call you took and talk on and on for approximately 30 minutes? we don't even talk that long and i don't even mind, and you know it.

I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you

memoirs of 2009

I loved u, I love u, I will always love u...

This post is more of a random issues and facts that had happened over the year of 2009, might not be a complete issue as this post is a spontanious response to what I can remember at the moment and written down here.

I went to melbourne on 5th of January this year. At that moment, i was still very certain on whats my life is going to be and I had like this whole map in my head of which directions and if i had issues which path should i go to but i guess i overestimate myself. Im still very glad when i got there, issues arising quicker than i could solve it, but i was still lucky....yes..."STILL" as i had lots of support from my family and my wifey. Time moves on and things get to be used to, im starting to fit in the environment i hated so much but had this urge to give out as my whole life-long map in my head seems to be the wrong one. That was April when i spoke with my parents and my consultant about all my issues, end up i decided to stay. this is the hardest decision i ever made, because I know, if i go on, ill be hanging on both countries. the country i once knew will no longer be the same after what im suppose to pursue here, and the country im in now is so new that i need time to understand it.

My parents came on end of April，was the best week i ever had, the sense of families grew straonger. I used to be a work fanatics and always thinking of ways how to earn more and live the life i ever wanted for me, my parents and my wifey. but that week, it showed me something more than what life can offer. The day my parents went into the cab, tears fall of my very eyes that i swore i never had any emotional attachment on a mission. i failed, and i knew i was attached with emotions. My parents and my wifey, they both complete me, and are able to incomplete me. me and my wifey started to talk less after that, job might be busy for her i guess. it was still ok as im going back in August. that is the best flight i ever had, everyone was sleeping on that flight that night, and i was so energetic that i stay awake almost the whole night. At that airport, i saw her and she held my hand in the car, i never felt so warmt by a girl's touch after so long. that day was perfect, i don't think any words could even decribe it.

met with most of my friends even though its a short trip. was a great one. Had the most interesting time ever with my wifey in Vistana Hotel for more than a week. Went PC fair, bought myself a new HDD. it was just beautiful. until the day i went into the airport again, i had the tightest hug from my wifey, i cant stop thinking bout that hug... i can see in the eyes of my mum, wishing that i could stay longer and my dad trying to act tough. haa... this is where all the issues that i hate the most arises, funds in my bank had shorten and issues with my housemates and searching for a new house seems frustratingm the worst part is, since October, me and my wifey gone further, her face had ance all over after a swim at a friend's house, and starting to care less, as in im the one who will say hi, how are you and other stuff. she'll just answer, yes, no, im fine, u?, not bad.... those answers that you can have from an AI. what hurts me the most, she started to tell lies, which was then explain to her when i got back in December that if she did tell me the truth, i might think otherwise and affect my objectives there. as time goes by, i tried to look on pieces of breadcrumbs and found that her lying activity is increasing. that pisses her off, she said why am i checking and stalking on her? truth is i wasnt, its not the truth that bothers me, its the truth that i know that it just aint so... maybe she had all this figure out before i did, i dont know, i was told on August that she planned to moved out and stay with her friends. Maybe it was pre-planned, but i guess it doesnt matter anymore. we talked and we promises each other AGAIN that no lies between us even the truth hurts.

Had a busy busy busy busy schedule when i got back on December, that week i got back, i went Hatyai with my wifey and her family, the week after, we went Singapore with friends for christmas which we ended up spending time in mamak. Met with few of my friends lately and we talk about lots of stuff. How many of us could have a friend and still remain as a friend after 12 years, and we are not two, or three, or even four, we are in tens. Some of us had their own businesses, some had a good job, some had good wifes/husbands, but when we are out, we are still that 11 year old kid. I appreciate these friendship...

well, its new year eve today, and im down with a fever. hate the fact that im sick and was unable to go out with my wifey, but weird part is, non of her friends ask her out either, i was somehow felt that i was being a pretty bad bf in front of her friends and shes such an angel in front of my friends. I guess its allright, even though i know it for sure thats a fact, but at least she doesnt give me overated excuses like she used to be. I just hope nothing Spectacular happened next year. I pray that my new year would be great, full of miracles....

memoirs...

This is da 3rd day we've talk 2 each other. But it felt like i knew her long ago, its weird to have such a deep feelings in such a scenario.

I had no idea wat tats in my head lately. I lost all my directions n all i know is tat i need 2 pass my exam. Tat's it... Where had my dream gone 2? Where's my passion? Its like a curse made only 2 cloud my vision. I never knew i could felt tat strongly 2 a girl i hardly know. Is it rational? Is it even logical? I dun think so. Its has been da worst time ever, tis is my global economic turmoil. Will i only survive? Or will i be some1 better? Make me understand, i really wanna understand. 16/9

Today we made no contact. For no reason, everytime i close my eyes, i saw her there. I said 2 myself tat i wont make contact with her if she doesnt, but i guess i wasn't strong enough. I send her a msg but got no reply from her, was disappointin though. Maybe cus i cant make her laugh, maybe cus i cant make her care, maybe cus its just me. Somehow, i miss tis girl today, for no reason, i wish i knew wat am i thinkin. Y of all things, im willin 2 lose everythin for her? Its like investin in a losing business, its just irrational, so grey. 17/9

24 sept. Submitted my assignment 2day n take a look at hers. She told me she had only 6 pages n she seem really really exhausted. Was so worried bout her but 2 my suprise, she had 8 pages of assignment which means its more than 2500 words. Lookin at da wordin, it doesnt seem like she's da 1 who submitte it. Could it be her 'fren'? I dunno, really wanna meet him up though, it actually reminds me of my situation with lil wai 3 years ago. Im still thinkin whether i should msg her tml, really worried bout her as her condition report will be out tml early in da morning. So wanna meet her up n c tat smile again. She is indeed unique.

half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save

Happened to be browsing through my previous blogsphere, and saw this really nice quote from my previous blog, haa... I guess instead of getting wiser, I've stopped evolution itself. I really do think that Im trying so hard to find things to do with the time I tried so hard to save.

In fact, im having heaps of deja vu flowing around lately like it is part of my routine. Does this happened often 'cause I had less things to do compare to my busy, practical life I used to have? Disappointed came to me in so many directions that sometimes, i cant even see a glimpse of hope. Ever felt how you are stuck in the middle of something and it feels like there is no other way but to stand where you stand as you cant proceed forward or even backwards? it seems like standing on the spot is the only right thing to do, and start everything from scrap. Time is drifting away and all I do is saying goodbye for every second that drift passed me....

Sometimes, people think of themselves as a wise person, smart, intelligent, heroes or even god himself, some might be the exact opposite, but who we are inside are just merely flesh and blood, nothing more. Even heroes themselves had the right to bleed, had the the right to dream, its just not easy....to be me. People cannot gain anything without sacrificing something. One must present something of equal value to gain something.

We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope

Felt very very very disappointed today, but not due to the actions you have done but to the words that you said. Not only it hurts but at the same time, the sense of disappointment. You know you are different, you know you are more than this, why? why do you wanted to be let yourself be influenced into something you are not? you know you are capable of great things, why? why? why do you even had a glimpse of such solutions? a solution that is not even in your prespective, im not saying that you are wrong, but im not saying you are correct either. I want you to have a life which is turly yours, I dont want you to be living with someone and you cant live without them due to certain factors, and I aint talking about love. To love someone and to live your life without knowing the purpose of it is very sad, and it pains me even more to see you this way.

Worst of you, you tell me "I stil believe in future i can meet a guy like this." This my love, is like stabbing me through my heart to know that im sleeping with someone who is this selfish; egoism is felt flowing around you. But im still hoping, hoping that you would understand, that nothing is perfect and with different status, one can have different outcomes, but you know and understand who i am and where am i. Thus, i believed that you will understand that with my status there is always limitations, and it would only a slight chance that it will ever happened. I just never thought that you had become something you are not, you need guidance not influence my love. Friends are self-chosen, so be wise, there are times that whatever make sense doesnt make sense at all, and there are times that whatever doesnt make sense make sense.

I love you and I hope you know what you are doing. Seeing is not always believing, its deception most of the time. dont let your pure soul be as dumb as those who are, because you are worth more than that, and you knew that, so stop denying the potential that you possessed. Miracles dont happened because you wish it would happened, it happened because people make it happened.