Another Lie you dont have to make

I was chatting with an old friend yesterday and we talk about lots of stuff, suddenly she said I only remember my own angel and forget about other angels. Haa... their name was both Angel, so basically shes just being sarcastic. Then she mentioned about seeing her with R. in the cinema, and she is could so confirm that the date is 21 March as she was there to pick up her boyfriend. Im so blinded by so many lies she made... was so upsad yesterday night, woke up by a horrible nightmare, and she doesn't even care... That was lie number 1 that I knew today, the 2nd lie was tonight, I was told that R. ask her out for lunch today, yes today... through msn I guess, and she just say yes which I wasnt even able to do for the past 2 months when I got back. How lame was I as her so called "hubby"?

I ask her just now where did she have lunch today and she said noodle bar which is very obvious that wouldn't be the usual kind of place where she and colleague would go. so i said, why is she and her colleague went this place for lunch and she said why? cannot meh? and I answered, it just felt weird that you would go there and she answered "oooo..." She doesn't even plan to tell me the truth, worst part is... i did ask her before about R. and I told her I don't trust him, and she immediately said don't worry, he's not interested in me and i could 100% confirm and so do I... I was like wtf???

Hope this doesn't go on because seriously, im really disappointed in you wifey. You never did this kind of act before and I really don't know what else can I do, you told me you wanted to protect yourself so you change, but why are you wearing your armor and shield when talking to me? Am I nothing more than a stranger to you? I thought we promise each other not to lie to each other even the truth hurts that much, I thought after I caught you red handed lying right at my face and called up to apologised, you understand that I am very serious about this... I really do hope this would be the last time...

Jealously is the butcher of all hope...

Well, this post is pretty simple, short but some gaps that I actually notice on my own, which I don't think my wifey will even look at it so no worries, Ill had it on here so at least I knew this is what had be analyse, haaa.... anyway, check on a photo album in facebook on my besties and other of her friend's birthday which happens to be on the same month. I notice the matching dress codes but I notice another "coincidence"... let's just say she likes majority the pictures without the cake on or without all the birthday dudes in it and among all these dudes, there is this dude that she didn't even like at all, how freaky. She had 2 pictures with this dude and she likes when he is taking pictures with other chicks and likes pictures which she is uglier with other dudes...well, you could say as a summary that, every pictures she had with a dude, she likes it....except that particular 2. Why you ask me? 'cause I've access into that album...haa... She probably will like it if she knew I won't be able to look into the album....

My confidence towards this relationship is really really breaking my heart, all I asked for is the truth, if you want to be all mysterious all over me after a 4 years relationship, be my guest... Ill be leaving soon, even though it will hurt me more than anything else. Im not a risk taker, and im afraid, if you are so attracted to the temptations in the outside world without control, there will be more lies coming, and I won't take that chance....

Yes or No?

Yesterday, I told my wifey alot about life, I believe that she doesn't understand it at all. Life is a cost and effect of one chain to another. One is not able to change the world but so does the world wasn't able to change a man. Seems contradicting but its a fact, life starts by giving not by taking, when you take too much, one day you will realise you haven't paid the price and vice versa. My brain is so haywired today and I can't really gave speeches on this. Point is, there is a major differences between the period im back and the period im gone, which is exactly 51 days from this post.

I've told you how much you took everything for granted and you had been so irresponsible on everything you do and still you keep denying it and not knowing where you went wrong. You are so blinded by the temptations you had in your outside world, and you ignore all the ones who really care, you can't even differentiate what are true friends and what are just friends, how in the name of buddha you knew who is your friends? Im tired, seriously... I felt like I've lose control but in control as everything around me needs me to be in control and I nearly collapse a few times and you weren't even there. Im starting to know a different person, you look and talk so like her, but heart of another person, I fell in love and I gave this person all heart, but will this heart ever be found again? or will it just be locked away in Davey Jones locker?

I was told to give myself until August and see how things goes around before a solid, rational decision is made, do not make decision based on emotions. I couldn't agree more, but how can a heart made of blood and flesh endure such pain while this heart had so much more to endure in the process? I thought I've raise you up wifey, I thought I really do, but I guess Im wrong. I really don't know what to do but Im building courage to withstand what is going to happened, no matter what the consequences is, I do because I love you too much, because I will see you everytime I closed my eyes, because I knew that at least you found joy in being this new person. I never felt such agony, emotionally collapsed, will I endure it? I really don't know, and it is the only thing that I can't be assure of.

the question for today, is it a Yes or is it a No? both are very painful decisions, but I guess this is just life. I've paid the price, and I've taken what my price can offer, I guess I really don't understand your "industry", wifey. I guess a professor who never even work in a financial market won't be able to save the world from the economic crisis after all. As my wifey would say, you will understand when you are in the industry. So bugger off you muthafcuking academic dickh3ads... stop telling everyone through media how to save the economy, you never even work in the fcuking financial market before, and you will never understand, I worked in the financial market, so listen up, im defiantely more fcuking qualified to save the world economy.

Moral of the last paragraph, we live in a knowledge and digital economy, not an experienced economy. so please be fcuking grew up, open your eyes. Life is not by living in it, you knew what it is...

Doubt

Everytime, I heard excuses, sometimes, it just doesnt make sense, sometimes, it just doesnt felt real anymore. Everytime I heard something out of your mouth, it says one thing, but it end up another. Im so afraid... i really do, Im starting to be so sure that you really are not longer who you are, what you are now is not who you are, and you doesnt seem to be comfortable with who you are anymore, even in front of me. Just as I called you moments, ago, you told me you are going out with lynn's friend, I kinda doubt that actually.... He live so far away while Ryan live so near. It's just not rational to go to and find a friend that is miles away as if he doesn't have any friends around. Why would you lie again? or did you not? I felt i can't rely my trust on you as much as I do years ago, you've been popular, that's for the better, but you are irresponsible at the same time, not knowing what should be done and what shouldn't be done. You again took everything that people ever gave you for granted, thinking that it should be like this.

Once more, I think I have to convinced myself that there are things far more important than you and me, but the humane side of me said me and you, are unique. Haa...how ashame of me, what have I done to had me paid for this price? I need to try to be who I am and pursue what im intended to do here and get over it, without having you in mind. All of these, are just plain D-I-S-T-R-A-C-T-I-O-N. This is really not worth my time looking into, I tried too hard to poison myself with other distraction to cover up these distraction, I really don't want to end up being a junkie, or just another thug. When there is lacking, there is provision, true? I don't know, but I can't stop believing, 'cause if I do, I lost the battle, and I had no room for failure.

is it only a trip?

Day by day, my emotions had failed me again and again. It's not those emotions that had butterflies and rainbows all over, but those with creepy crawlers and gloomy night. I guess this would have been the greatest test god had ever given me to test on my emotions. I look forward and backward... and whoever she was, isn't there anymore. She is more cunning and selfish now, nothing else matters much in this world except her, she took everything she used to love and care for granted, to her its all just about fulfilling her promises to someone else, she had lost her heart. I've also told her, don't let the world change you, you go out there and change the world, and no matter how the world changes, you blend in, you fit in, you do whatever you want, but never...never ever lose your heart of who you really are.

I guess the temptation she encounter was just too hard to resist, too hard for her to turn her back on. With the short term success and fame and fortune and glory and all those, she turn her back on who she is. I hope she'll find out very soon by herself as I have done everything beyond my power to lead her to the right path, the price? I've turn my back on my own path to do anything in my power to stop her from going off her track. She seem to take "pleasure" from her accomplishment so strongly, but I still saw some good in her, should I continue to save her or should I just leave her where she is and hopefully someday, she will remember what I've said.

She will be coming over in August, but will she still be the person I knew? or will she become more cunning and selfish? Will the environment here change her back? most of all does she really want to come over? I ask her that question, and I was given a straight forward answer, "I promise you before I will come, and I will." It sounded more like just a trip to you, nothing more......

Will this be the end.......? I really do hope I never find out....

Mr Brightside

Having so much thought wondering in my mind lately, starting to doubt that i had the ability to know everything. The person i love the most has evolved into something else....yes...something else not someone else... she drifted so far away from who she was, im afraid....afraid of losing who i once knew and love. She's been meeting out strangers and doing things she never would have done, she been through things she swore she wont never been through, she even lie when she doesnt have to, she's starting to be unfaithful in a sense. she ignore most of what i have to said and said she would take care of herself but fact is, she don't even understand what she is doing, she had indeed overstep the boarder. what is there for me to do? i cant force her into doing something she wouldnt want to, i cant make her think straight any more.

Sometimes, i wish i wouldnt have to know all these. the truth sometimes is just plain ugly, and i guess she plans to hide that ugly side of the truth for as long as she could. There is no other way to get her to say unless i tell her straight to her face, why? you knew you are old enough to understand what i meant, you knew there were lies you wouldnt have said, you knew someone you knew for a week or even month who ask you out alone or vice versa would mean putting yourself in the tip of the iceberg. its not just about crossing the line, its about who you are, i dont even whether what you said to me could be the truth anymore, i dont even know whether those words you tell me, is it really something from your heart or is it something you had to say it for the sake of saying it. furthermore, you had been trying so hard to keep secrets now, i wish i knew what was the reason, and you know the reason is not because i want to stalk on you. if you walk a straight line from point A to point B, it couldnt be anything else other than straight when you walk from back from point B to point A.

another 5 more months, we are going to meet again, but just after 31 days of us being apart, i could see drastic changes which is out of the ordinary. i had forsee this happening, i just wouldnt believe that i was actually correct. i had another vision, of what to be in 5 months.... i really do hope im wrong this time. i really do hope when you come, you come with your heart and soul, not because of your empty promises. that's the last part that i wouldnt want to see as the ones before and the ones coming soon is not pretty as well. i just pray that i have the strenght to witstand this, to keep on standing no matter what.