Insomia 2014

So here I am, unable to sleep. I do not fancy blogs as much as I used to be, rather spend my time doing something else instead of blogging bout stuff that rambling in my head.

Okay, Im not trying to say that im in trance or anything. Basically, there's so much in my head i dont know where to begin, or even to understand what is going to be and not to be. My questions became a burden, the process of seeking the answers became hidden. Maybe I just got too much on my back?

In a way, Im juggling among my personal life, my business and my life long path. Im not saying I do not have a plan nor im saying that I just trying to do things which are bigger than what I can handle. I just trying to say that, every actions, every decisions, every step I made have consequences which will somehow took 1 of those for granted or sacrifice of those. Ignorance is bliss? Don't think thats working now...

Personal Life
Ever felt that you been pressure by peers, your love ones or even by yourself? What you do, how you sit, when you exercise, why can't you do better? Its the kind of "emotional test" that you have to go through everyday after work. Work in this case, a job thats buys you the meal to keep you going. Sometimes I just wished I could be myself after all these BS

Business
Every wonder why you knew you have a brilliant plan but it never work out? My case was different, I have a vision, a vision of how things in an organisation should be. By creating HOPE within each and everyone in the team. But what if all these "visions" have barriers? Not those barriers that stop you from achieving in but the barriers that you know you cant get through if the... cash flow isnt coming in. From where I come from, vision is 1 thing, nobody cares bout the higher purpose, we just wanna move on and look forward. If any of us survive, thats good enough. Dreams and Hope dont really exisit in a comfort zone.

Life Long Path
I wanna quit, quit being a survivor, quit being able to care bout everyone else around me. But thanks to the awesome creation of the soul and heart, I cant stop to see how rotten and corrupted this world have become. How can you just leave and do nothing about it? I wanna make this world a better place, not by singing another Micheal Jackson song, but by creating opportunities to those who really need it, not those who knew how to grab it. Not everyone is capable of doing of others can, but everyone deserve a chance, a chance which was not given cause that someone fail to cease the opportunity. Yes, some do deserve it for not making the effort, what if those who cant make any effort even they tried to?

From the looks of how this whole thing goes, this is a crappy post. In a way, I cant reconcile whats in my head and put it into proper layman language and write it like any normal person. Im weird, I have my own set of philosophy but I guess that's how things evolve around me as well. I see perfection in things that normal people saw as imperfection. I just wanna make things beautiful again, spread the hope.

Drive by...?

I thought it's all deja vu but its not, what we had are just special. That night was more than just right, I was overwhelmed and in fact scared as hell, cuz i really fell for you. I guess we shared the same feelings, you wouldn't want this to end but it just doesn't felt right. there's something missing, trust maybe? my casual reaction everytime you tell me about something I should have freak out? I can never forget what happened between us, nor can I ever forget you as the person that made me fall so deeply in such a short time. I still remember that day when you said if i knew you 2 years ago, it might be different, but I guess you won't remember this as well one day.

I told you my heart beats faster everytime I'm with you, and I still do... there's a part of me that will always be yours. I don't know whether you still remember this, but that night when I finally have the guts to tell you that I love you, you smiled and ask me to said it again, and I meant everything I said that night. Whenever we were together, you became yourself, you'll lower down your defenses and tell me about anything that goes through your mind, you opened up yourself to me, but I guess you felt that I didn't... to tell the truth, I am always open to you, there are things that I've told you that not many knew. I'm not good at expressing myself but my heart to you are true. I guess some part of you just couldn't accept the fact that facts without prove isn't actually facts.

Ignorance is bliss? you knew it's not true, and will never be... as blissfully you pretend to be, I know there's some part in you that you tried so hard to conceal. I'm just a shy guy, and my love for you went viral, and i swear to you, Ill be there for you... as long as you remembered me...

Hate it when life put you to the test

So much to do and so little time, well....to be honest, it should be re-written as, all these things can be done easily, so why am I doing it the long, hard way? When life puts you in a situation where you are blind folded and you had no idea what you are facing, that's the smell of despair, disappointment, and anger. You'll blame yourself for not being good enough, you'll ask questions like why am I so different? Well, in this case, that's what makes a person unique... but I mean, what is peace? or even better....inner peace... if you ask me, i think is finding your comfort zone and make the best out of it... but you know what, we were all thought to be fighting out of our comfort zones, or else there is won't be a space for us to grow...we'll grow lazy, we'll grow slow, dumb, stupid, etc.... But always, there is a saying... I'm standing still but that doesn't mean I'm not doing anything. Heck, I don't even know what I'm talking about.

i had forgotten who i wanna be

Things goes by so quickly, and honestly, I've forgotten my past, hence what lies in my future? I used to be so sure where I wanna be and what I wanna be... the impact of change in life may it little or small, had greatly affected my routine... I felt life is no longer beautiful, everyday there is only 1 thing to do, making major decision. Well, it might be a minor decision, but it seems tat I'm wasting alot of my valuable time on making decision on issues that I don't really want to make decisions on.

I've once again darken my path with my own shadows, why is there so much misery and chaos that ruled my world. some people said its a dog eat dog world out there, survival of the fittest, you wanna stay alive, you gotta be the fastest, strongest, smartest, etc of them all...but think again, I thought we came into awareness that life is not about taking, its about giving. Sadly, everyone prefers pride and humidity.

Temptation such as liquor, products and services that offers exclusive and luxurious status to people who think that life is something worth fighting for, that they deserve to be rich, they deserve to be respected, they deserved to be somebody out there telling you what to do. But does it really matters? I won't call myself an atheist but it surely bleeds my heart to see how all these had turn into something unexceptionably unexplainable.

I don't know who I am anymore, I'm covered in my cloak of shadows, hiding in the edge of the world, watching everyone else rot in the rat race and race towards that dream they had been dreaming of... I hate myself, I hate the fact that I ain't had the courage to fight back, to fight for what i believe in... I lost faith...

work work..

Chinese New Year is over and here we are, all of us had gone back to work. Life a mystery, never knew whats going to happened the next second, even we knew that everything can be calculated, somehow...

So much had happened and 2011 is indeed a new year. all of us had entered a new year where hopefully everything changes for the better. Had so much plan this year but I'm afraid that there are some consequences that i miscalculated, or even I'm too rush that i over-looked the opportunities. Thanks to globalisation and capitalism, every men is indeed for themselves. We used to hear teamwork divides the task and doubles the success, but not everytime credits goes to the team but that one person. Everything around us is moving in such fast pace that most of us still think that we are on a sweet, comfortable cushion. Just by looking back a few years, I've seen how the world had shift, no matter whether its economical, political, society, culture, nature.... everything had their own way of making this world a really really scary one.

We all knew that we live in a knowledge economy where everything around us evolve mainly on knowledge itself, of course the next best thing is technology. Ignoring the fact that a solar flare is going to hit earth soon, but YES! this is consuming the world... I mean just look at the facts around it, music is now digitalised, thanks to iPod, and since the introduction, companies like tower records had a steep decline in their profit, it took iPod 3 years to actually see such results. But recently, and yes i mean RECENTLY, look at iPad and other digital reading devices, people just don't go for the usual physical thing anymore... and thus, borders declare its closing down of several branches around the world in JUST 1 YEAR!!

I'm really scared by how the fact that everything is moving so fast, but me....I'm slowing down. i need a rebound from the enthusiastic me who I think I've left it somewhere back few years ago when I had my esteem high at my peak... or so....

meccas, subway or roti ba kua?

we live in a world of choices, and I've witness the evolution of mankind, the evolution of a person's personality to a person ego controlling everything that came into their path. I myself had a strong ego i presumed, always wants everything to be perfect, but i guess things aint always the way you wanted...

In my local context, we grew up eat roti ba kua, and as we grew, we fell in love with meccas, and then subway came into our lives with its exclusive healthy sandwiches, thats a breaky not everyone can afford. I still remember there is a time, I would watch dramas until 4am in the morning just to drive to meccas and get my breaky, those were the times... and because of this, I've forgotten how wonderful it is to actually had a hot roti ba kua at that time with a cup of kopi peng...we have walk so long in our asadi shoes that we forgot that it ever existed when we had our adidas shoes on...

If there is a choice, why do we choose something that is exclusive? why do we want something that makes us feel like we are somebody? why do we choose to be exclusive? why are we groomed from the very young day we were born, we are meant to be somebody? why do teachers taught us to follow someone else footsteps and be a better "them"? why cant we just be ourselves? or should I say who is ourselves? Do we really know who we are? IF we do, why are we trying so hard to be a better bill gates? to be a better warren buffet? to be a better steve jobs? or even to be a better angelina jolie? a better lady gaga? a better obama? a better dalai lama...? can't we see all the resources that we had in this world wants us to be someone or something else beside who we are?

complicated?

had a whole day recapping how this world reacts on materialism, found out, temptation is just too hard to resist. People don't know what they are asked for, and had no idea what hitting them, people make empty promises, hoping 1 day they would do as they have promised. Honestly, I'm afraid, afraid of looking someone straight in the eye and say, "hey, you are the next closest thing to real"... I'm warned that even as life goes on, people who said that materials doesn't evolve around their life are usually full of crap. They said it because they haven't been struck by it, yet...

I'm afraid that 1 day, I once again felt into the same situation, where I am judge for what I am instead of who I am, but I dunno why, with all the insecurity and fear surround me, I chose to believe, believe in something I felt through time, it will change, why am I so sure that I wont be just in the same scenario? Simple, because I led a different perspective of this world, I see this world as what it is, naive? No... Delusional? I would say its a matter of personal contact and the understanding of the world...

I count myself lucky to be able to stand again in this dreadful world, full of sin, full of happy thoughts, full of chaos... I saw her and I believed once again, and yes I'm talking about you my beloved wifey Angie, I look into your eyes and I believed everything you said, I'm told that its too early to decide, but to be honest, you really had taken my heart away, but I'm afraid of one thing, that 1 day, you might find that I ain't the one, because I ain't perfect enough for you. To me, you are more than perfect, I fell for you because you are more than it meets the eye kinda person, but me? I'm nobody, trying hard to be somebody, hoping someday, held your hand in marriage, crazy? No, its because you made me see hope once again... I wished one day in the future, you will still see my perfection through all the imperfection that I have. I love you Angie, I love you more than yesterday and less than tomorrow as it seems, I'm just hoping that you would too...

life

life is unpredictable indeed. Been through alot and still havent figure out why people still fight for their own benefits. selfishness

好幸福哦！

跟你在一起这一星期超开心，没想到我这傻瓜还有人要。。。

刚才在喝酒时，翔点了首歌-I Believe，

看到那MV，原来是野蛮女友里的情节，

一看就想到你，你那野蛮中的温柔，

你那霸道中的关心，你那粗鲁中的体贴，

真的让我一天比一天的更爱你。。。

你每次讲你笨，其实我觉得你真的很聪明，

我刚才看到你的作品时，真的觉得你很棒。。。

你每次说你很长气，其实我觉得你好关心我，

我每次还要你来提醒我顾好自己，真的觉得你超棒。。。

可能就是你的不完美，让我觉得你很完美。。。

其实我从来都没想过有人觉得我那么棒，你是第一个

其实我从来没想过有人会那么体贴，你是第一个

其实我从来没想过有人会每天想吻我，你是第一个。。。

我其实一点都不完美，

我其实一点都不聪明，

我其实一点都不棒，

很多时候，真的觉得自己很笨，很没用，好像什么都做不到，

而你就比我在这方面做得好多了。。。

总之，有你在身边，真的真的超棒，超幸福！！

OMG!

OMFG!! I honestly dont know what happened to me heart, but it hurts when I hear those words. Me stupid, still believe that such miracle exist. Me go sleep now... :(

出乎你的预料

刚才她来了，把东西搬着搬着时，发现到原来我在她心目中已经什么都不是了，我去年给她的钻石项链，已经不在她身边了，我们的照片，也因为这样，她叫我扔了。。。我们的回忆，我们的所有所有，就在今天毁灭了，原来我只不是一个她生命的路过人，我再也不是她的谁了。

就因为她的残酷，帮她收了她的东西，搬上了车，我也很潇洒的离开了。整个过程中，真的好多回忆在我脑袋，仿佛这还是昨天，她那紧张下楼梯的样子，她要出大门前所做的一举一动，她流汗抹汗的时候，她开车坐上的粗鲁，那不再重要的微笑，所有的点点滴滴，就在这部洛克写完后，就会像她那样，永远都不会再是我生命的一部分。

今年的圣诞，今年过年，情人节，还有其它的日子里，其实很想跟一个人度过这一些，就因为觉得她跟我在这方面很像，跟她在一起很舒服。。。所有东西都可以把它抛一边，把我的所有给了他，不出声都好，她都会一直在那边讲，好像当了这就是她的世界，所有的空间都属于她的，要讲就讲，要做就做。。。看到她，我总觉得是我让这世界失望了，这世界依然还在支持我，告诉我你是能的。。。

my love for you ends today, wish you all the best with your new guy. My beloved Wifey

My immortal

I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears

Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

Remember then....

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me

Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind

Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams

Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

说好的幸福

我单身咯。。。眼睛肿肿的，我还给一个青春无敌美少女安地讲我眼睛肿到连眼珠都看不见了，我答应了她也答应了自己，我会比她更快乐。。。我这幸福就得带给下一个幸运者啦。。。哈！过了今天我就会完全放下她咯，有可能吗？只要相信就有可能。。。

Not easy to be me

今天一早就听到了坏消息，我的感情世界终于结束了。。。
去看了电影，还跟几个朋友聊了一下。。。
他们说我很坚强，把东西看得很开，有第三者的出现还能那么冷静。。。
我只能笑笑的，其实我再多么柔弱都得坚强，
难道真的那么容易吗？跟一个人同屋，同床那么多年了，
我在多么坚强都会被那些回忆打败。。。
但如果人家显得出我的柔弱，那我实在太naive了。。。
我好友讲我很棒，讲的到的事真的发生在我身上我一样可以办得到。。。
其实那是因为我必须办得到，我没得选择。。。
在我的世界里，我真的没办法选择，因为我一柔弱下来，
很多东西就没婉转了。。。

life is unpredictable, and honestly, I had quite a day today... thanks to 3 of my frens who came and talk with me, and a very nice aunty who watched a comedy with me even though shes freezing inside the cinema... things will get better, thats for sure... I know it will be because I had no other choice...

歧视

We understand that discrimination exist everywhere in the world. But to what extend? and why can one never eliminate the existence of it? Even though this world had evolve into what we called an evolutionary era where discrimination is minimise, but in different parts of the world, it exist in different forms. Aside from skin colour, which usually is the typical type of discrimination, look at my beloved home country, people don't judge you by what you can do but they judge you by how you live your personal life. They discriminate people who are involved in the same sex (usually hard to tell if one is straight or not), people who had tattoos, males with ponytails, ear rings or even people who dress like a nerd. Depending on the jobs your looking for, people tend to stereotype these people. Why are these people not judge by their performance or KPIs but are judge by how they wanted their personal life to be? Does a tattooed male regional sales manager couldn't get the job done compare to a non tattooed spiky hair male regional manager? Does a multiple piercing with a chestnut coloured hair hotel GM will not be as efficient and assertive as a moustache chubby GM?

To me, its all bullsh*t, how could one be judge like this? It really sadden me when I see people struggling to save this rotten world while fact is we are actually making it worse. I almost forgot how beautiful this world is anymore. Hence, im uploading this few beautiful picture to make myself feel better....^_^

grey grey world

We look back at who we are and we notice, time flies. We been through tides and waves, we been tipsy, high like a G6, but what do we actually earn from each scenario? What do we value? I left my passion for life somewhere in the middle of the earth. I see no evil and I see no angels, I see no life in the day and I see chaos in the night. We named this a culture, we called this an evolution. Is this really where we are living now? We don't really sow what we reap anymore, and if whatever we do, with or without experience makes a different to the world, why is there no consequences in the actions we do? I ain't talking about karma, and yes consequences is not predictable anymore.

We live in a grey grey world, and I had to admit, I hate seeing things in black and white. If you were given a choice of making this world a better place, are you willing to sacrifice millions and billions of life, sometimes, including yourself to see colours restored to this world? I would...

Tell me what do you see

I've done been through the pain and the sorrow, the struggle is nothing but love

I'm a soldier a rider a ghetto survivor and all the above

when i think that i cant, i envision obama, i envision the diamonds, i envision Ferraris

~Maino

what had life brought me?

Was out with a friend just now, and it is for the first time we went out together. Very interesting person with lots of unwise decision, not to say that I'm being judgemental over here but these are among the people that I could actually be youthful again. The more I talk to her, the more I felt I wanna help her, but I really don't know how, my methods might be obsolete. Honestly, I've lost so much confident since I came back here, I lost the motivation to be the person that I promised to be, I'm afraid, furthermore, I still carry the weight of the world over my shoulder.

I so wanted to tell her that hey, look... once you decide you wanted this, make it works, if it doesn't works, make your next thing works with what you had now, don't quit. I looked around myself and I saw disappointment, I saw people that had so much hope for me and when I'm just around the corner, I blew it... By seeing her tonight, I felt there is something I can do to light up that fire in her and hence make mine visible again. I need to reinvent myself once again, or I'll just keep on disappointing everyone...

I'm usually close with people that had broken families or those without a proper family or without a family. I don't know whether its fate that met us together or its something else to made us friends, but I guess it is my duty to get the best out of you. The best part is, these people are usually younger than I am, haa... coincidence? maybe not...

新的开始，新的计划，更大的压力

时间过得很快，转眼间过了两年，我的“完美”计划也将在此转弯。。。

I'm not a person who is considered as someone who has the luck to be where i wanna be, but even how hard life hit on me, i found that there is always someone or something that take all this whole series of unfortunate events off my head and had me back on track. point is, where is my track now? each time you saw the future, the future keep changing. So is there a reason for me to persevere?

everytime i look around, i dunno what is happening to me. i asked myself the same question everytime, what does this world had to do with me? why can't i just be like anybody else? why cant i claim my own space and live without having to care s**t about these "space" that im living in? Im just down to find the better side of me, even heroes have the right to dream, so why am i digging kyrtonite in this one way street? Im only a man looking for my dream, it's so not easy to be me.

不懂是这世界让我失望，还是我让这世界失望？

最近拍了些照片，很喜欢unplugged的照片。没edit过，感觉很真实。。。

Are you willing to fight for OUR future?

Being back with my wifey isn't all happiness but sadly, there is still doubt in this relationship. She promise will care more about things and never cross the line again. Fact is, Im still doubting it. Deep inside my heart, with all that she told me, is she willing to fight for our future now? or is she just another girl who thinks that men should do all the duty while she party off everyday? When I fell in love with this girl, I took her in as my soul mate. I never thought that after 4 years, she told me the exact opposite of what she told me 4 years ago. I was deeply disappointed, not because she had grown into a more socially adapt person, but because that she forgot what she said to me. Im really afraid that 1 day she might leave and take away all I had, Im confused and was pinned down with so many issues right here right now, I never thought she would be giving me such an emotional tension in such a complicated scenario. Should I go before it ends? or should I stay and leave when she want to stay? Im getting a feeling that she's just another person who will stand there and watch while you're been beaten up, maybe I am just another tool. I really do hope Im wrong, but I don't have much time either, give myself another few more months maybe? Give me a reason why would someone want to be with someone who will only share joy and wealth with you and not while your pinned down and humiliated, give me a reason why should I fight for a future that had you in the picture while yours never had mine?

I miss my dad, I heard he got really sick, and my wifey who's living in the same house know nothing about it. It hurts me so much to know that the person I love, made no effort in showing the same love to my family. I still remember when my dad was so sick in the last few months and im so so so worry about him, so I ask my wifey to take care of him, she promised. But she still goes on with her party life, leaving all the caring to my aunt. I pitied my dad, he did so much for this ungrateful girl, taking the car for services, had her cheque bank in for her, but her.... she never even ever buy dinner for my dad, or even help clean the house. Im tired of fighting alone, for a future that had an unreal person in it, who I thought was worth it.

Should I be ridding solo? while waiting for someone who would really appreciate what she had, or what she was given. Im not a religious person but, most of the time, I think its just unfair, she really doesn't deserve all of this.