Insomia 2014

So here I am, unable to sleep. I do not fancy blogs as much as I used to be, rather spend my time doing something else instead of blogging bout stuff that rambling in my head.

Okay, Im not trying to say that im in trance or anything. Basically, there's so much in my head i dont know where to begin, or even to understand what is going to be and not to be. My questions became a burden, the process of seeking the answers became hidden. Maybe I just got too much on my back?

In a way, Im juggling among my personal life, my business and my life long path. Im not saying I do not have a plan nor im saying that I just trying to do things which are bigger than what I can handle. I just trying to say that, every actions, every decisions, every step I made have consequences which will somehow took 1 of those for granted or sacrifice of those. Ignorance is bliss? Don't think thats working now...

Personal Life
Ever felt that you been pressure by peers, your love ones or even by yourself? What you do, how you sit, when you exercise, why can't you do better? Its the kind of "emotional test" that you have to go through everyday after work. Work in this case, a job thats buys you the meal to keep you going. Sometimes I just wished I could be myself after all these BS

Business
Every wonder why you knew you have a brilliant plan but it never work out? My case was different, I have a vision, a vision of how things in an organisation should be. By creating HOPE within each and everyone in the team. But what if all these "visions" have barriers? Not those barriers that stop you from achieving in but the barriers that you know you cant get through if the... cash flow isnt coming in. From where I come from, vision is 1 thing, nobody cares bout the higher purpose, we just wanna move on and look forward. If any of us survive, thats good enough. Dreams and Hope dont really exisit in a comfort zone.

Life Long Path
I wanna quit, quit being a survivor, quit being able to care bout everyone else around me. But thanks to the awesome creation of the soul and heart, I cant stop to see how rotten and corrupted this world have become. How can you just leave and do nothing about it? I wanna make this world a better place, not by singing another Micheal Jackson song, but by creating opportunities to those who really need it, not those who knew how to grab it. Not everyone is capable of doing of others can, but everyone deserve a chance, a chance which was not given cause that someone fail to cease the opportunity. Yes, some do deserve it for not making the effort, what if those who cant make any effort even they tried to?

From the looks of how this whole thing goes, this is a crappy post. In a way, I cant reconcile whats in my head and put it into proper layman language and write it like any normal person. Im weird, I have my own set of philosophy but I guess that's how things evolve around me as well. I see perfection in things that normal people saw as imperfection. I just wanna make things beautiful again, spread the hope.

Drive by...?

I thought it's all deja vu but its not, what we had are just special. That night was more than just right, I was overwhelmed and in fact scared as hell, cuz i really fell for you. I guess we shared the same feelings, you wouldn't want this to end but it just doesn't felt right. there's something missing, trust maybe? my casual reaction everytime you tell me about something I should have freak out? I can never forget what happened between us, nor can I ever forget you as the person that made me fall so deeply in such a short time. I still remember that day when you said if i knew you 2 years ago, it might be different, but I guess you won't remember this as well one day.

I told you my heart beats faster everytime I'm with you, and I still do... there's a part of me that will always be yours. I don't know whether you still remember this, but that night when I finally have the guts to tell you that I love you, you smiled and ask me to said it again, and I meant everything I said that night. Whenever we were together, you became yourself, you'll lower down your defenses and tell me about anything that goes through your mind, you opened up yourself to me, but I guess you felt that I didn't... to tell the truth, I am always open to you, there are things that I've told you that not many knew. I'm not good at expressing myself but my heart to you are true. I guess some part of you just couldn't accept the fact that facts without prove isn't actually facts.

Ignorance is bliss? you knew it's not true, and will never be... as blissfully you pretend to be, I know there's some part in you that you tried so hard to conceal. I'm just a shy guy, and my love for you went viral, and i swear to you, Ill be there for you... as long as you remembered me...

Hate it when life put you to the test

So much to do and so little time, well....to be honest, it should be re-written as, all these things can be done easily, so why am I doing it the long, hard way? When life puts you in a situation where you are blind folded and you had no idea what you are facing, that's the smell of despair, disappointment, and anger. You'll blame yourself for not being good enough, you'll ask questions like why am I so different? Well, in this case, that's what makes a person unique... but I mean, what is peace? or even better....inner peace... if you ask me, i think is finding your comfort zone and make the best out of it... but you know what, we were all thought to be fighting out of our comfort zones, or else there is won't be a space for us to grow...we'll grow lazy, we'll grow slow, dumb, stupid, etc.... But always, there is a saying... I'm standing still but that doesn't mean I'm not doing anything. Heck, I don't even know what I'm talking about.

i had forgotten who i wanna be

Things goes by so quickly, and honestly, I've forgotten my past, hence what lies in my future? I used to be so sure where I wanna be and what I wanna be... the impact of change in life may it little or small, had greatly affected my routine... I felt life is no longer beautiful, everyday there is only 1 thing to do, making major decision. Well, it might be a minor decision, but it seems tat I'm wasting alot of my valuable time on making decision on issues that I don't really want to make decisions on.

I've once again darken my path with my own shadows, why is there so much misery and chaos that ruled my world. some people said its a dog eat dog world out there, survival of the fittest, you wanna stay alive, you gotta be the fastest, strongest, smartest, etc of them all...but think again, I thought we came into awareness that life is not about taking, its about giving. Sadly, everyone prefers pride and humidity.

Temptation such as liquor, products and services that offers exclusive and luxurious status to people who think that life is something worth fighting for, that they deserve to be rich, they deserve to be respected, they deserved to be somebody out there telling you what to do. But does it really matters? I won't call myself an atheist but it surely bleeds my heart to see how all these had turn into something unexceptionably unexplainable.

I don't know who I am anymore, I'm covered in my cloak of shadows, hiding in the edge of the world, watching everyone else rot in the rat race and race towards that dream they had been dreaming of... I hate myself, I hate the fact that I ain't had the courage to fight back, to fight for what i believe in... I lost faith...

work work..

Chinese New Year is over and here we are, all of us had gone back to work. Life a mystery, never knew whats going to happened the next second, even we knew that everything can be calculated, somehow...

So much had happened and 2011 is indeed a new year. all of us had entered a new year where hopefully everything changes for the better. Had so much plan this year but I'm afraid that there are some consequences that i miscalculated, or even I'm too rush that i over-looked the opportunities. Thanks to globalisation and capitalism, every men is indeed for themselves. We used to hear teamwork divides the task and doubles the success, but not everytime credits goes to the team but that one person. Everything around us is moving in such fast pace that most of us still think that we are on a sweet, comfortable cushion. Just by looking back a few years, I've seen how the world had shift, no matter whether its economical, political, society, culture, nature.... everything had their own way of making this world a really really scary one.

We all knew that we live in a knowledge economy where everything around us evolve mainly on knowledge itself, of course the next best thing is technology. Ignoring the fact that a solar flare is going to hit earth soon, but YES! this is consuming the world... I mean just look at the facts around it, music is now digitalised, thanks to iPod, and since the introduction, companies like tower records had a steep decline in their profit, it took iPod 3 years to actually see such results. But recently, and yes i mean RECENTLY, look at iPad and other digital reading devices, people just don't go for the usual physical thing anymore... and thus, borders declare its closing down of several branches around the world in JUST 1 YEAR!!

I'm really scared by how the fact that everything is moving so fast, but me....I'm slowing down. i need a rebound from the enthusiastic me who I think I've left it somewhere back few years ago when I had my esteem high at my peak... or so....

meccas, subway or roti ba kua?

we live in a world of choices, and I've witness the evolution of mankind, the evolution of a person's personality to a person ego controlling everything that came into their path. I myself had a strong ego i presumed, always wants everything to be perfect, but i guess things aint always the way you wanted...

In my local context, we grew up eat roti ba kua, and as we grew, we fell in love with meccas, and then subway came into our lives with its exclusive healthy sandwiches, thats a breaky not everyone can afford. I still remember there is a time, I would watch dramas until 4am in the morning just to drive to meccas and get my breaky, those were the times... and because of this, I've forgotten how wonderful it is to actually had a hot roti ba kua at that time with a cup of kopi peng...we have walk so long in our asadi shoes that we forgot that it ever existed when we had our adidas shoes on...

If there is a choice, why do we choose something that is exclusive? why do we want something that makes us feel like we are somebody? why do we choose to be exclusive? why are we groomed from the very young day we were born, we are meant to be somebody? why do teachers taught us to follow someone else footsteps and be a better "them"? why cant we just be ourselves? or should I say who is ourselves? Do we really know who we are? IF we do, why are we trying so hard to be a better bill gates? to be a better warren buffet? to be a better steve jobs? or even to be a better angelina jolie? a better lady gaga? a better obama? a better dalai lama...? can't we see all the resources that we had in this world wants us to be someone or something else beside who we are?

complicated?

had a whole day recapping how this world reacts on materialism, found out, temptation is just too hard to resist. People don't know what they are asked for, and had no idea what hitting them, people make empty promises, hoping 1 day they would do as they have promised. Honestly, I'm afraid, afraid of looking someone straight in the eye and say, "hey, you are the next closest thing to real"... I'm warned that even as life goes on, people who said that materials doesn't evolve around their life are usually full of crap. They said it because they haven't been struck by it, yet...

I'm afraid that 1 day, I once again felt into the same situation, where I am judge for what I am instead of who I am, but I dunno why, with all the insecurity and fear surround me, I chose to believe, believe in something I felt through time, it will change, why am I so sure that I wont be just in the same scenario? Simple, because I led a different perspective of this world, I see this world as what it is, naive? No... Delusional? I would say its a matter of personal contact and the understanding of the world...

I count myself lucky to be able to stand again in this dreadful world, full of sin, full of happy thoughts, full of chaos... I saw her and I believed once again, and yes I'm talking about you my beloved wifey Angie, I look into your eyes and I believed everything you said, I'm told that its too early to decide, but to be honest, you really had taken my heart away, but I'm afraid of one thing, that 1 day, you might find that I ain't the one, because I ain't perfect enough for you. To me, you are more than perfect, I fell for you because you are more than it meets the eye kinda person, but me? I'm nobody, trying hard to be somebody, hoping someday, held your hand in marriage, crazy? No, its because you made me see hope once again... I wished one day in the future, you will still see my perfection through all the imperfection that I have. I love you Angie, I love you more than yesterday and less than tomorrow as it seems, I'm just hoping that you would too...